Personal Entries: Summer Thought + Feeling Soup

Hey Stranger!

I haven’t written in awhile and I think it would be good for me to get my thoughts out and more specifically, to share myself.

Recently for my birthday, I went to a tarot shop with some friends and I had a tarot reader give me a reading for fun; we connected lots and the main takeaway I’ve had is the very in-my-face tell to write. This could apply to my thesis writing of course, but she said something about sharing myself that stuck with me and maybe I’ll put it into some inconsistent practice here. So here we are, writing because a tarot reader told me to……

I don’t have a specific goal for today’s writing, but I do know I have lots on my mind. I’ve been taking a much needed break from painting (against my will) because my home base studio (the bedroom in my one bedroom apartment) flooded a cm of water, among some other issues going on. So I moved all my paintings and supplies out of my room and my actual living space is chaos. I’m tempted to paint, but I need to readjust my space to make sense for what I need right now before I can do that, so that’s been hard, because I do feel the itch.

Job hunting post grad has been a doozy. I believe in being candid on my blog because this is my thought dumping ground. The job market is straight ass right now. I’ve filled so many applications, for jobs, for shows, and the like, and I feel like this has been practice with building skills of radical acceptance of rejection. It’s a necessary skill to have. Especially for me, because it’s something I’ve struggled with in the past. But there’s something so humiliating about filling the same information over and over, having an interview and feeling really good about it, only to be rejected again. I have much to offer and I would love to show people what I’m capable of doing if given the opportunity. I don’t think there is a true lack of opportunity within the job market, but I do think there’s a lack of honesty from companies. I believe that companies already know who they want to hire and they still interview people and get their hopes up. The way everything about the job market and the current state of everything functions is, lackluster to say the least. I know so many people are in the same boat as me. I also desire that companies I interview for would state why they reject me, because if it is something avoidable, then it’s useful information for me to use at my next interview. But they don’t value that, and those kinds of places I don’t want to work for, personally. I know my value and what I value in the workspace.

I am waiting to start a part time job, while I look for other gigs. I’m in waiting room hell though—they’re waiting on onboarding paperwork before I can come in. So that’s a start.

Something new for me: so back in graduate school, with the way I worked myself into the ground, one of the things that I knew could help me prevent burnout and is probably something I’ve mentioned on here before is finding a new hobby. I just lacked the time. With the opposite problem now, having a ton of time, I started looking for a hobby.

In June, I began wanting to go back to figure skating (still do), but the opportunity has yet to arise because there’s not a lot of figure skating sessions at rinks, and public sessions I’m not allowed to jump or spin except in a small area in the center of the rink, marked off by cones set by the ice monitors.

For those who don’t know, I was a figure skater for 8 years and competed for 5. I injured myself multiple times among other long drawn out mental health issues arose and I quit when I was around 19. Back to what I was saying:

So then I decided on inline skating possibly, with the idea of getting to explore the city more. But then the issue of endurance came up, so in July, I started going to the gym. I try to go 3-5 days a week for an hour and a half. And weightlifting has become a huge hobby. I genuinely enjoy it, it’s helped my back pain tons, overall stiffness and pain in various joints because of my back. I still have the intention of wanting to build physical endurance for other physical hobbies, but for now I’m solely focusing on mobility, flexibility, and strength training. I already feel my biceps growing tons! It’s been a great habit and I’ve incorporated other lifestyle changes because of weightlifting, including doubling my protein and fiber intake, drinking at least 3L’s of water, actually reading nutrition labels, and eating more well balanced meals. So I’m excited to have something to put time and energy towards.

I’ve also been working on my mental health, I think I’ve been doing that pretty consistently since summer of 2023 and my Great Britney Spears level Crashout (shaving my head among other stuff). I started having really bad anxiety in June and it was disrupting my sleep. I’d have racing thoughts about all the things I’m afraid of with graduating, thinking obsessively about the past, and how behind I feel in the now. I was getting like 2-3 hours of sleep a night, sometimes it was zero. I got really antsy about doing something to resolve it, and I got back on medication for the first time in over 5 years and I actually like what I’m on, it has been helping. I’m still obsessing about my past, but maybe it’s because it’s what I was studying for my thesis work, confronting what hurts. Sometimes that can open a long term can of worms. I’m allowing myself to explore it, but maybe writing about it would help. So that’ll be for another post.

I feel like this summer was a reset in a lot of ways. I think that while there’s been some issues, I’ve shown myself that I can trust the things I choose and feel and I’m a lot better at taking care of myself than I used to be.

Also, I celebrated 5 years sober. So that was a huge accomplishment. If you’re interested in me talking about sobriety, shoot me an email and I’ll draft some posts about it.

Until next time stranger.